Kickin It With Janet Jackson - A Fan Review

I almost died three times on Sunday. Seriously. I'm glad I didn't though because it would have gone down in history as the most unusual death ever. Can you imagine picking up a newspaper with the headline: "Young Woman Perished: Death By Janet Jackson"? Yeah I didn't think so. How did Janet Jackson almost kill me? It's simple really. She granted an almost life-long wish of mine to see her live. I freely admit I stan, and stan hard, for Miss Jackson. I can't ever remember a time not knowing who she was. I've known of her existence longer than some of my closest family members. It all started when I was about four years old. It was the first time I saw the video for "Pleasure Principle". I remember seeing this beautiful black lady dancing around in an abandoned warehouse. Nobody else, just her. Although it's simple, the video was truly enthralling. Since then, I've been on the JJ bandwagon. Through the janet. heydays and even through "nipplegate" I was and still am a staunch supporter. So you can imagine how much of a big deal this concert was to me.

Somehow Candice (who stans equally for all things Jackson) and I ended up with sixth row seats for the October 5 show. Well, it was more like I had to pay an obscene amount of money and promise my first unborn child for the tickets (not really) but you get the point. So we get our tickets and count the months and days till the show. Fast forward to the week of the show. Janet gets sick and starts cancelling shows. Trying to forever to be the optimist, I'm worried but refused to believe the show is cancelled. The night before the show, we make our way to Atlanta. At this point anticipation is in the air and we're both cheesing like the Sunshine Kid. But all the good vibrations and celebration comes to a screeching halt. While passing by Six Flags, one of the dj's on some ATL radio station says the show is postponed for two weeks. The car is completely silent besides Candice gasping for air and it stayed that way for a good twenty minutes. Our faces get stuck looking something like this:

Too far to turn back, we decided to slum around ATL for the weekend. In the weeks to come Janet keeps canceling shows left and right and we begin to think it'll never happen. But the unbelievable happened, Janet recovers and gets back on the road! So with renewed hope we get back on the road to see the show. The drive took forever but eventually we got to Atlanta picked up the tickets from a friend and headed to the venue. Once we got there and paid the waaay over-priced parking fees we settled into our seats. We promptly make friends with the folks sitting around us. We trade stories about how we took the postponement news and all that jazz. This nice couple in front of us made an awesome sign about how Janet's music saved their lives. One guy talked about how refreshing it was to be around fellow fans who felt the same way he does about her. One of the best parts of concerts is meeting and interacting with fellow fans. It's almost like you form a temporary family. I love it.

Anyway, after an hour of twiddling thumbs, nervously shaking legs and grooving to the sounds of the dj, the show starts. All of a sudden, the stage is awash with bright lights and dancers. Almost miraculously Janet appears through the fog singing "Pleasure Principle" and it was like I was my four year old former self all over again. The stage was the most interesting I've seen thus far. Instead of a traditional stage that's set up at the front end of the arena, this one extended into a runway out into the audience. Meaning that Janet and her dancers could actually come out into the crowd. That was definitely a treat, especially for those not right up there by the stage on the floor. She hit all the moves like it was still the 80's. After that she hit us over the head with hits like "Control", "Nasty" and her newest "Feedback". All of this took like 10 minutes and by the end I was already exhausted. Then after a quick costume change she continued her walk down memory lane with all the songs any Janet fan ever wanted to her life. The crowd was so into it. Folks, including me, were breaking out in spontaneous fits of jubilation with choreography included. One particular song that stands out to me is "Miss You Much" where not only were her moves crisp and strong but she even broke out the chair routine from the long form video of the song. I was in heaven by then. Her energy was unbelievable. She slowed things down with a slow jam from her latest and one of my all time favorites: "Come Back To Me" which I'm happy to report was bust it baby free. And for her super fans she even threw in some songs from her pre Control days that she had never performed on any of her other tours.

Then came what I like to refer to as the freak shit portion of the show. This is the part that every man in the audience, gay or straight, waits for. It's where some unprepared dude gets pulled out the audience and Janet commences to strap them down and perform some Ph D. level of freaky activity on them. Before the show started Candice, me and our newly found friends decided to get the guy to our left on the stage. We tried hard but it didn't work out like we planned. Some lame dude got up there instead and tried to run game on our girl J like that was really gonna work out in his favor. It was beyond entertaining.

Overall the show was unbelievable. Over the top is an understatement. The costumes are futuristic. The first is a goldenish body suit deal with a HUGE metallic belt. The next sequence features Janet and the dancers in sailor attire. Each set of costumes increases in levels of extravagance as the the show went on. There was no empty space on the stage. Somebody was somewhere doing something at all times. Everything was huge, even the pyro. Spurts of fire and explosives went off like Independence Day in there. I was so close I literally overheated when the fire went off. The dancers were great. The choreography was so intricate and involved but everybody killed it. But let's just focus on Janet for a minute. She looked awesome. While most people are trying to count her out because she's 42, let's just focus on the fact that she still looks like she's in her 20's. Like seriously. The hair was a little crazy but it worked within the context of the show. Like I said before she was killing the dancing thing as well. While some artists get lost in the sauce when it comes to dancing, she outshines her dancers and almost has more energy than they do. She never appeared tired or winded. I know I was and I wasn't even on the stage! Her voice was amazing as well. Most people like to harp on the fact that she whispers too much on her songs. She sounded clear as a bell to me. No shakiness or breathiness. She's the consummate show woman I can tell you that.

She even had guest performers such as Q-Tip, Nelly and her beau J.D. They performed on the huge screen suspended on the stage which fit in well with the futuristic theme of the show. It was an innovative way to ensure that all concert attenders got the same show. This was truly a show for the fans. Crowd participation was as equal and integral part of the show as the set pieces. After the show was over and everyone was leaving the venue I made it a point to look at the faces of my fellow concert goers. Looks of amazement abound. Everyone's voice had a hint of disbelief as if they couldn't believe what they had just witnessed. If anyone needed proof that Janet still reigns supreme, if they were in attendance they damn sure got it.

Beyonce gives seventh-grade girls more unwarranted validation

Beyonce is a excellent stage-performer with absolutely extraordinary singing ability. This, supplemented by the fact that she often works with some of the best and most innovative producers around, (note, I said "often" works with talented producers; occasionally she strays *cough* Swizz Beatz *cough*) causes Beyonce to definitely stand apart from most of her mainstream counterparts. Fortunately for her (and most successful artists), however, mainstream music is rarely, if ever, judged by its actual lyrics or message; or else someone may have taken her to task for her lyrical doggerel or, more importantly, her career-long barrage of sassy sexism disguised as feminist uplift.

Her latest man-bash is the most overt yet; the sweetly sung "If I Were A Boy", in which she--much like in many of her songs--reduces the entire male species to an innately inconsiderate, womanizing, emotionally-impaired collection of cavemen.

Q. Perhaps she's referring to a specific situation, and not incriminating the entire male species?
A. Nope. The song is called "If I Were a Boy", not "If I Were [insert name of trifling negro]". The song, by the title lyric alone, is specifically attempting to associate certain negative behaviors with being a "Boy", while at the same time painting women as being ever-grateful, helpful, forgiving, compassionate, and logical (especially in the music video).

The appeal of "If I Were A Boy" is the same allure that draws teenage girls to romantic drama films: the exaggerated Lifetime-esque victimization of women by the big bad wolf called the "man"; specifically crafted to appeal to the modern American woman, which further widens the emotional gap between men and women when men don't seem to "get it". Well of course we don't get it, it's not made for us to get. Much like how many women don't "get" why men enjoy watching uniformed men throw each other around. The difference is, we don't let the results of football games dictate our life's decisions. Well, most of us, anyway.

Q. Well, what about male rappers? Don't they say sexist stuff all the time?
A. Rappers consistently objectify women (which is not necessarily sexist), but they almost never literally say, or even imply "Women are bad and men are good" (the vice-versa of which Beyonce does in "If I Were a Boy").


I've even heard comments in praise of the track saying that the song succeeds in touching on something that every woman in a relationship has to deal with. Really. Every one? Really? I'm going to burst a big bubble here so be prepared: Guess what? Men aren't inherently inconsiderate. Not even a majority. Not even close. What's happening is something that's been documented and theorized by sociologists and psychologists alike. Society, and American society in general has remarkably unrealistic expectations of its people, and interestingly enough; a lot of these expectations are promoted by women. Even the ones on other women. That whole "gotta look exactly like a model" business? That's all women. Men don't give a shit if you've got a little cellulite or whether your a B cup or a D cup. We mostly care that A. you're not psycho. B. you're not diseased or otherwise fucked up. and C. you have a vagina.

Complimenting that is the "Prince Charming" expecations in place for men in relationships (which, not surprisingly, is mainly reenforced--and possibly invented--by the entertainment industry). You're expected to score a perfect A plus on the Matthew Mcconaughey quiz for male-worthiness, lest you be the subject of your woman's next social therapy session with her friends. This i.e unrealistic expectations, if I had to guess, is probably the seond leading cause of break-ups (not really knowing the person you're getting involved with is probably number one).

The situation described in "If I Were A Boy" doesn't happen most of the time. It does in the movies, of course, but most men--and most people in general-- are honest, hard-working, imperfect human beings that don't find pleasure in trampling on other people's emotions. I think humans often substitute Hollywood for our real lives when we nod our heads to songs like this one. But in many ways, that is understandable, because, after all, Prince Charming exists in Hollywood.

In This Case Imitation is the Highest Form of Hilarity

Sometimes I hate the internet for bringing fuckery into my world. So, some dude decided completely swaggerjack Prince. This fool even reworked the music from the Purple One's song "Automatic." Somebody please stop the madness! I almost died when I saw the bootleg Apollonia. I'm all for creative freedom and paying homage but this right here was never a good idea. At first I thought it was a big joke, but my soul wept when I realized he was serious.